


Sei tapfer, mein Kind

by eafay70



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Established Relationship, Family, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Social Anxiety, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-08-30 09:33:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8527996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eafay70/pseuds/eafay70
Summary: Marco and Erik try to help their daughter as she struggles with mental illness.





	1. Ich bin dir nah, mein liebes Kind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Blue_Night](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Night/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Stranger In You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6398530) by [Blue_Night](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Night/pseuds/Blue_Night). 



> You wrote so, so, so beautifully about romantic love in the face of depression. I don't know if this work will come close to doing the same for familial love, but I'll do my best.
> 
> Blue_Night points out in "The Stranger in You" that most works about depression are from the point of view of the depressed person. Her work, which you should read if you haven't, is from the point of view of someone in love with a depressed person. As someone with mental illness, with sisters who have mental illness, and with parents who don't have mental illness, I consider works about the people around the mentally ill person just as important as those about the mentally ill person. And with this work, I hope to add the point of view of the family members who don't have mental illness.
> 
> Marco and Erik in this story are inspired by my parents, but I have idealized them somewhat by including what I wish my parents would say/do, in addition to what they actually say/do. The original character (Ava) is based on my sisters and me. I would never wish depression, social anxiety, panic attacks, and selective mutism on the same person (nor would I wish a single one of them on any person), but I felt it would be too complicated to create multiple characters at once.
> 
> Story title is the first line of "Jemand wartet auf dich," the German version of "Someone's Waiting for You" from "The Rescuers."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief glimpse into the lives of Marco, a worried Vati; Erik, a worried Papa; and Ava, their struggling Spatz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm leaving Ava's age vague for the time being. On the one hand, she's based on a 23-year-old, a 22-year-old, and an almost 21-year-old, so putting her around that age would make sense in terms of creating a timeline. On the other hand, I don't know if a timeline based on American cultural norms completely translates to German cultural norms, so it might make more sense for Ava to be in her late teens.

Marco and Erik exchanged worried glances. Their little girl was curled in a ball on her bed, clutching a butterfly plushie close to her chest as she whimpered.  
  
"Ava," said Erik softly from the bedroom door. "Can you tell us what's wrong?"  
  
She shook her head. "I'm sorry, Papa."  
  
"Don't be, Spatz," said Marco. "Why can't you?"  
  
She began to cry. "Because I don't know, Vati. I don't know anything anymore."  
  
Erik and Marco felt their hearts break. They entered the room and sat alongside their daughter, rubbing her back and hugging her.  
  
"We'll help you, kleinen Spatz," promised Erik.  
  
"I shouldn't need your help," she protested weakly. "I'm not a little girl anymore."  
  
"Ava, you'll be our little girl forever and always," said Marco. They stayed there until she finally fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a line from "Mein liebes Kind," the (newer) German version of "Baby Mine" from Dumbo.


	2. Ich will dich hüten, will dich beschützen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback: Marco and Erik realize they can't protect Ava from all of her fears, even in the sanctuary of their own home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I don't have anything resembling a real-world timeline for this fic, so I decided not to specify what movie is in the theater. But I figured "The Lion King" was a good choice for a Disney movie watched ad nauseam.  
> -This is based on my experience with "Tarzan" in theaters, "Mulan" on VHS, and "The Little Mermaid II" as the commercial.

Ava was a typical six-year-old in various ways: She loved her Vati and Papa, she knew how to get her Onkel Auba to buy her anything she wanted, and she knew every word to "The Lion King." (Well, actually, Marco and Erik thought their daughter's ability to recite the spoken parts of the movie meant she was smarter than the kids who only knew the songs, but they were supposed to think that.) So it made perfect sense to take her to the local movie theater when Disney released its newest movie.

It started out quite smoothly - the lines moved quickly, the snack prices were reasonable, and the theater didn't fill up because it was so big. Ava laughed at the reminder to turn off all cell phones and seemed very excited for the movie - until the coming attractions started.

The trailers were much louder than the earlier ads had been, and Ava started squirming. "Papa, Vati..."

"It's OK, Ava. Cover your ears." She followed Marco's instructions and seemed to relax. When the famous Disney castle appeared and Ava lowered her hands, Marco turned to Erik and mouthed, "German punctuality has a bad side."

Unfortunately, the movie opened with a storm. Ava trembled in her seat, gripping her fathers' arms. "Take a deep breath," advised Erik. It helped a little, and she managed to laugh at the silly sidekicks.

That night, Erik and Marco woke up to Ava standing at the foot of their bed. "The movie scared me," she whispered. "I had a nightmare, even with Schmetterling."

"Oh, Spatz," sighed Marco. Schmetterling the butterfly plushie had been a present from Onkel Matze, meant to keep nightmares and monsters away at night. "We'll put you back to bed."

Erik was confused, but wished Ava good night anyway before Marco led her out. When Marco returned, Erik asked, "Why not have her sleep with us?"

"If she wanted to sleep with us, she would have climbed into bed." Marco snuggled close to his husband. "Or at least that's what I'm telling myself. We don't have a manual for her, you know."

A few days later, the family sat down to watch a new DVD: "The Emperor's New Groove." Erik and Marco, as per usual, didn't bother skipping the trailers, since it gave them more time to get the popcorn. This didn't go smoothly.

"No! No!" Ava ran out of the den and into her bedroom. Her fathers paused the DVD on a commercial for "Brother Bear," then went to Ava's bedroom, where she was clinging tightly to Schmetterling.

"Did the commercial scare you?" asked Erik. Ava nodded. "We're sorry. We'll go straight to the movie, OK?"

"Come get me when it's ready," demanded Ava.

"OK." Marco left the room, returning a few moments later. "It's ready, Spatz." Ava reluctantly left her room, followed by Erik, who arched an eyebrow at his husband. Marco didn't understand why until they were all back in the den with the movie playing: She was still clutching Schmetterling for dear life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "Dir gehört mein Herz," the German version of "You'll Be in My Heart" from "Tarzan." (I haven't actually seen it in full since it was in theaters, but over time I've managed to watch clips without any trouble.)


	3. Und ich hoffe nur, dass jemand dich von deinem Schmerz befreit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ava isn't speaking in school. Marco and Erik are at a loss, so they turn to Ava's godfathers: Auba and Matze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, danke schoen to mariothellama for explaining how godparents work. :)  
> Now for the serious part of the notes. This chapter brings in selective mutism, which has affected my sister for most of her life. My parents continue to try to pressure her into speaking in social situations, all to no avail.  
> The discussion of a Schmetterling Junior is adapted from my other sister, whose beloved Pink Bear was too big for traveling. My parents gave her a much smaller teddy bear named Gulliver (as in Gulliver's Travels), who accompanied her on many a flight and car ride, and who drove us nuts in hotels because he made noise when she shook him.

Marco and Erik weren't very religious, but godparents were non-negotiable when Ava was born. To be specific, when Auba and Matze came to the hospital a mere hour after the birth, they declared themselves the godfathers (complete with terrible Marlon Brando impressions), especially since it was also Auba's birthday and Matze had performed the Durmeus wedding ceremony.

(For the record, Erik had wanted to name the baby Eve, since she was the first kid among the BVB folks, but Marco chose the variant Ava when they learned the due date.)

So it was no surprise that the couple known as Aubinter insisted on hearing what Ava's teacher had said at the parent-teacher conference. Even though the eight-year-old could do no wrong in their eyes, Onkel Auba and Onkel Matze needed to know that she was doing well in all aspects of life.

"Selective mutism," announced Marco gloomily as he and Erik entered their house. "She says nothing in school."

"What?!" Auba closed the door to the kitchen so Ava wouldn't wake up from the discussion. "Ava talks up a storm when she's with us!"

"Maybe she's shy?" wondered Matze. "She didn't know anyone before the school year started."

"It's been almost a month," said Erik. "She shouldn't still be shy."

"It's not bullying, is it?" Matze asked worriedly. "As stupid as it sounds, the other kids could repeat the insults their parents hurl at us on matchdays."

"No," said Marco. "The kids haven't made the connection yet. They're just trying to get her to talk to them when they talk to her."

"What did the teacher say to do?"

"She didn't. Apparently if you shower her with praise for speaking, she'll clam up even more."

"It keeps getting worse," sighed Erik. "First it was not wanting to ask the other kindergarteners to play with her. Then she started carrying Schmetterling everywhere in the house and crying when he couldn't go with her. We would've needed a Schmetterling Junior if we hadn't convinced her the suitcase was a magic telephone in disguise that she could use to talk to him back home. I keep telling myself that she'll grow out of it, but what if she doesn't?"

"Then we love her and help her," said Matze. "I can try talking to her. She loves me the most because I convinced Schmetterling to move in."

"No, she loves me the most because I give her the best birthday parties!" Auba argued.

"We'll love whoever gets her to talk in school the most," declared Marco drily. "The competition starts tomorrow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Kein Weg zurück," the German version of "No Way Out" from "Brother Bear."  
> (I'm starting to run out of ideas for chapter titles, so suggestions are welcome!)


	4. Kann es sein - mach ich immer alles falsch?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BVB is throwing a fancy dinner party to celebrate winning the domestic double (the Bundesliga and the DFB-Pokal). Ava suddenly stops celebrating.  
> Ava is eleven in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with panic attacks. My sister hasn't had a panic attack in a few years, thank heaven, but the memories of past panic attacks are still powerful in my family.

"This season has been incredible. We worked hard and, one might argue, played even harder." Everyone laughed at the coach's words. "But tonight, I think I speak for everyone when I put it this way: WE DID IT!"  
The room broke into applause. They had done it indeed - BVB had won its second domestic double. The Bundesliga race had been very tight all season, and there had been quite a few Cinderella stories in the DFB-Pokal saga, but that was all in the past now. It was time to celebrate, starting with the buffet!  
Erik and Marco looked around as other tables were sent to the line. "Everything looks amazing," marveled Erik. "Don't you think so, Ava?"  
She didn't answer.  
"Are you okay?" asked Marco.  
She managed to shake her head.  
"Let's go outside," said Erik, leading Marco and Ava to the hallway.

Ava cried and shook, gasping desperately for air. Her fathers tried to calm her down by hugging her, whispering comforting words, and telling her to breathe, but nothing seemed to help.  
"They've called our table." Matze walked up to the little group. "Auba said you were out here."  
"Yeah." Marco sighed. "This might take awhile."  
"We'll take more than we can eat from the buffet." Matze went back to the main room.

Ava's panic attack lasted about ten minutes. The family returned to their table, where Auba and Matze were waiting with quite a lot of food. Erik and Marco forced themselves to eat a normal amount, but Ava didn't touch anything.  
"We'll go home," said Marco. Ava smiled briefly, but her fathers' insistence on saying goodbye to practically every attendee before leaving the room made her scowl. Erik's explanation that Ava didn't "feel well" only made her angrier, since it made the other guests look at her with pity.

Once they were home, Ava shouted, "You couldn't just keep your mouth shut for once?! It's bad enough that you tell Onkel Aubinter everything!" She slammed her bedroom door shut.  
"We're clueless," said Erik with a disappointed sigh. "I thought she liked having someone other than her parents in the loop."  
"Maybe we confused what she needed with what we needed," mused Marco. "You're right. We have no idea what she needs. We're clueless."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Spiegelbild," the German version of "Reflection" from "Mulan."  
> (Ideas for titles strongly appreciated!)


	5. Ich muss dringend etwas tun, irgendwas muss doch gescheh'n

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tipping point is reached, and a decision is made.  
> This chapter takes place just after Chapter 1. Ava is about fifteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The decision to seek professional help for mental illness can be a difficult one to make. I suspect my parents have sometimes regretted not deciding to do so sooner.  
> I'm being deliberately vague regarding the tipping point because I don't want to trigger myself by recalling my personal tipping point in depth. However, today is World Diabetes Day, so I will specify that my personal tipping point involved my years-long struggle with type 1 diabetes. (Ava does NOT have diabetes, to be clear.)

Ava was clearly in hell. The evidence was more apparent than ever - her mental state had reached a new low, and it didn't look like it would ever improve.

Marco was the one who noticed the clean laundry piled on Ava's desk when he was looking for his missing socks. Erik was the one who noticed Ava's dirty breakfast dishes in the sink when he was preparing dinner. But nothing alerted them to the tipping point, the moment that forced them to acknowledge that their Spatz had fallen out of the sky and into a stormy sea.

"We can't leave her alone until she's better," said Marco, his voice shaking.

"So how do we get her better?" Erik reluctantly suggested, "I guess therapy?"

"Or medicine," added Marco. "She's really sick. I don't want to believe it."

"I know. Let's hope she cooperates." Erik shook his head sadly.

They called Auba and Matze to run interference - tell BVB that they had to take personal days, keep the press from sniffing around, and help in the search for a good...whatever professional Ava needed. That last part was unclear. But then again, everything was unclear at the moment beyond the fact that something had to be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the reprise of "Wilde sind's," the German version of "Savages" from the movie "Pocahontas."  
> I don't think I've mentioned this before, so I'll mention it now: Spatz is German for "sparrow." A German friend of mine uses it as a pet name for his girlfriend, though I'm not sure it's a common pet name.


	6. Dreh die Zeit zurück, gib mir was einst war mein

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco and Erik meet with Ava's psychiatrist and discuss their daughter's anxiety throughout the years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I confess that this part is not only speculative (after all, I'm not yet a parent), but also idealistic (as I suspect my own father wasn't nearly this sympathetic when I began therapy).  
> I'm basing the psychiatrist on my own psychiatrist, whom I've seen sporadically for about five years and regularly for almost three years.

Marco and Erik knocked on the office door labeled "LIOBA SCHALOM - PSYCHIATRIST." A woman in a dark suit opened the door. "You must be the Reus-Durms."

"I'm Erik Durm, and this is my husband, Marco Reus. We're Ava's fathers, of course."

They followed the doctor to a room with several couches. "Take a seat, sirs. Thank you for coming in."

"Thank you for seeing Ava so quickly," replied Marco. "We've been so worried for her."

"I imagine." Dr. Schalom took out a memo pad. "Let's start from the beginning. What was Ava like as a baby?"

"She was beautiful," recalled Erik fondly. "She was the first baby among our friends, so there was a lot of spoiling from everyone."

"I remember she was very picky," added Marco. "She only liked certain foods, and it had to be at specific temperatures."

"I see. And as she grew old enough to walk and talk?"

"She would whimper a lot." Marco tried to mimic it. "And every so often, she'd use very baby-like words. We eventually figured out that she needed a lot of reassuring."

Erik nodded. "When she started kindergarten, she didn't like asking the other kids to play with her. She generally said yes if they asked, but she didn't want to take the first step."

"And was that the first anxiety you noticed? Social?"

"I guess so." Marco sighed. "We didn't think of it like that at first. We figured she was just shy or something."

"Then she started carrying Schmetterling, her plushie, everywhere possible, not just having him to sleep with it. We came up with something ridiculous to keep her from taking him when we traveled - we didn't want her to misplace him." Erik suddenly remembered something. "She hates loud noises. The trailers were the first thing - she still won't watch coming attractions - but then she started wearing earmuffs to matches, constantly asking everyone to be quiet at team dinners..."

"Ah. And around this time she started school?"

"And we were told she had selective mutism." Erik sighed. "Her godfathers tried to get her to see the benefits of talking in school, but it didn't help. I don't think she's ever had a playdate. She's never invited a classmate to a birthday party - she doesn't like going to other people's parties, either."

"More recently, around when we won the double, she started worrying about everything - one of us getting hurt, someone on the team getting an unfair booking, her classmates talking too much..." Marco saddened. "We figured out what the panic attacks were, but not what to do about them."

"And now she's so upset all the time." Erik saddened, too. "The other day, she said that she didn't recognize herself in an old picture because she couldn't remember being happy enough to smile. My heart broke."

Both men started to cry. "Kleiner Spatz, kleines Ava-chen..." Marco began to sing their daughter's old lullaby.

"We call her Spatz because she always wanted to go higher and higher - she loved to wave at planes. And she's always had big dreams - until now." Erik hugged Marco and finally verbalized what both of them wished more than anything: "I want our sparrow back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Zauberspruch", the German version of "Healing Incantation" from the movie "Tangled."
> 
> The lullaby quote at the end is adapted from "Kleiner Spatz, kleine Chavaleh," the German version of "Little Bird, Little Chavalah" from the musical "Fiddler on the Roof." The song is about a father not understanding his daughter changing drastically in one fell swoop, and it's what I listen to when I need to get into Durmeus' heads for this fic.


	7. Bittersüß verwirrt einseh'n, dass man irrt und auch mal vergibt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco, Erik, and Ava have a difficult conversation. It doesn't change much, but it's a sign of progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm publishing this today because it's the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. Three years ago, on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I was hospitalized in Spain against my will. If I hadn't been hospitalized that day, I would have died shortly thereafter. I had to wait a long time for the sort of comfort Ava finds in this chapter, but better late than never.

Marco and Erik picked up Ava from Dr. Schalom's office. "There's a holiday next week, so Dr. Schalom can't meet with me at the normal time. I'm supposed to call tomorrow to reschedule."  
"A holiday?" Marco was surprised. "What sort of a holiday?"  
Ava shrugged. "She didn't say, and I didn't ask."  
"Fair enough. These appointments are about you, after all."  
Erik nodded in agreement. "How did it go today?"  
"Fine." Ava stared out the window. Sometimes she talked about her sessions in depth, and sometimes she didn't.

After dinner, Ava surprised her fathers by saying, "I want to talk to you about today."  
The men moved their chairs closer to Ava's. "Did something happen, Spatz?" asked a worried Erik.  
"Nothing bad, exactly." Ava furrowed her brow as she collected her thoughts. "Dr. Schalom asked how you react when I suddenly don't want to go out. I told her you usually made me go out anyway because you figure I'll be fine once I'm there."  
"You usually are," pointed out Marco. "Aren't you?"  
"Yes, but that's not my point. My point is, you complain when my anxiety acts up. You make me feel guilty for burdening you with everything in my head."  
Erik swallowed back a sob. "'Ava, it can be difficult to understand what's going on with you. We know you're not using it as an excuse, but..."  
"...Sometimes it feels like you're holding us captive." A tear ran down Marco's cheek. "But it's not you. It's your disease, your illnesses - you're a prisoner, too."  
All three started bawling. "I'm so sorry, Vati, Papa. I'm a monster to you both."  
"Oh, Spatz..." Marco hugged his daughter. "We've screwed up, too. We've hurt you - you're not a monster, Ava, never."  
"We're sorry, Ava." Erik joined the hug. "We love you so much."  
Ava nodded. "I love you, too." She cleared her throat and whispered, "I think I've forgiven you."  
"I know we've forgiven you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Die Schöne und das Biest (Märchen schreibt die Zeit)", the German version of "Beauty and the Beast (Tale as Old as Time)."


	8. Denn jeder Weg führt mich einfach nur zu dir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco and Erik come home after a tough match, and witness Ava's progress firsthand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ending is meant to be happy, but realistic. Ava, like any of us with mental illness, could fall again, with or without any particular reason. But there is hope all around.
> 
> Speaking of falling again: I decided to wrap up this story now because I found myself triggered as I tried to write other chapters. I hope to return to this family in the future, but for now I have to leave them.

Marco turned on his phone as soon as he was off the plane. The first message he saw was in the WhatsApp group labeled "Ava and Durmeus."

 ** _Ava Reus-Durm:_** I couldn't stay in the house after the match.

Marco tapped Erik on the shoulder to show him the message. Erik sighed. "We knew she'd take it hard - she hates when we lose den Klassiker. Does she want to be picked up?"

 ** _Marco Reus:_** Headed to baggage claim. Shall we pick you up?

 ** _Ava Reus-Durm:_** OK.

"She said OK," Marco told Erik.  
"Yes, I see that now," said Erik. Sure enough...

 ** _Erik Durm:_** We're on the way.

And in a matter of minutes, they had arrived. Erik parked the car where Ava could see them. She waved to her fathers and walked to the car. Marco got out so he could hug her. "Thanks for the message, Spatz."  
"Of course." She got in the back seat, Marco returned to his shotgun seat, and Erik began to drive them home. "How did you guys know I'd be at the park? You said you were on the way before I got the chance to say where I was."  
"We always know where to find you, Ava." Erik looked at the rearview mirror and saw her smiling. "You're happier now than after we lost, I take it?"  
"Yeah. Onkel Auba was very much onside, and Onkel Matze clearly went down in the box, but referees are often stupid. We'll be fine." She chuckled softly. "And for the first time in a long time, I'm including myself on a personal level in that statement."  
"Good." Erik and Marco exchanged big smiles. Their Spatz had learned how to take flight after falling from the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is the last line of "Weit weg von hier," the German version of "Your Heart Will Lead You Home" from "The Tigger Movie."
> 
> Thank you to all of you who commented and left kudos. It wasn't easy to write this, but it's been worth it.


End file.
